My Journey

Morning to you all out there. I have not been out and posted anything on the site for some time. I am putting this right now.

I told you about a week ago now that I had had the second chemo session. I have had more side effects this time. The sickness has been worse. The main problem has been the total, absolute, up to infinite and beyond, tiredness. I was tired after the first session but that was peanuts compared to what it has been like this time. I have fallen asleep everywhere and wherever. I have even fallen asleep while having a converstaion on the phone - the caller was not that boring! (and I don't think knew that I had). The callers voice woke me up!! - bizarre. I'll try not to drop to sleep now - if there is a long gap you will know what has happened so please don't be offended!! - whether you shout to wake me up I will leave to you.

Having said that I have felt loads better since the weekend. The pain is alot better. Dare I wonder and speculate that the chemo is working - I am sure it is. I intend to make sure that it does.

The next session is next week - thursday. I imagine that I will be more tired after that session than after the the second one. Oh well we can live with it.

Went out yesterday with my camera. Our neighbour is a keen photgrapher and he took his. We went to the local park and found a Nature Hide which consisted of one wall of planks of wood with observation holes overlooking a lake. We saw very little!! There was some large fish jumping which were impossible to photo unless you happened to be looking at the right place at the right time which we were'nt! so no pictures to bring home. It was a great time for me: it was the first time I have been out with my camera since I was given the diagnosis. I managed it and enjoyed it but I was tired out when I got home.

I like to think that the trip was a breakthough. It was a failure in terms of results but no matter. I shall do it again, whether before or after the next chemo session remains to be seen. Sarah was pleased. It was good of my neighbour to take me as I am not the quickest walker at the moment.

(Large Gap here - nodded off for 10 minutes or so)

I intend to keep going with things like this - your support is always in my mind and it always helps no end and I can feel another Gap coming on so I better sign off for the moment and get back to you all again shortly.

I'll be back

My God thats an original title! Anyway a short one tonight. My blood tests were good enough for me to have the second session. The haemoglobin was down to 9. something - it should be 12. something. So yes it is down : the Oncologist did warn me if that it dropped more he might have to do the transfusion. Any way he didn't today so I had the session.

There were some admin problems which we got over. I managed to take the chemical quicker this time than last so was done in 2 hours. That was good.

I have come home to see the messages of support from you guys - thanks to all of you. It is great to read them. They gave me strength. Yes we will fight this thing and we will get rid of it.

Will finish now as shattered so ..........I'll be back

Writing this on the 7 May having just got back from Hospital. I had to do a blood test for the chemo session tomorrow. This is the second session of Chemo. The blood test is needed to make sure that, in layman's terms, my blood (and I) are both strong enough to withstand another chemo onslaught. I will not know the answer to that until I see the Oncologist before the session as he will get the results.

How do I feel? Reassured by the messages of support here on the site and from elsewhere. Worried that my blood has not recovered enough from the first session so preventing having the second - I want to continue with the planned sessions to beat this thing. My own strength needs topping up with the additional Chemo ammunition. I have been warned that certain people do need blood transfusions in the Chemo cycle if the blood does not recover enough - it normally means a delay of a period of time. I do not want to be one of those people - I want to keep fighting it without pause. To know that the session is going ahead is a tremendous boost and lets more positive thoughts in. I am keeping everything crossed for good blood results.

I have not been sleeping well over the last few days: the back pain over the shoulder blades makes it hard to get comfortable. Lying in the wrong position makes it worse and wakes you up. Not having a good nights sleep is the pits. Everyone will agree I think that when you are tired, it is harder to deal with things. Get a good nights sleep and you can move mountains! Mind you today I am alot more comfortable so let us hope I crash out tonight: I could siesta this afternoon but I do not want to miss the lovely spring day.

I have also now retired - at the end of April - and so the question of income rears its head. I had to retire due to my ill health so this was inevitable. I am looking into Social Security assistance and the like but it is a bit of a worry. My pension does not kick in until I am 65 - a few years away yet!!

Shoot - I am depressing myself with this blog and I might even delete it yet but being down is something that does occur - it needs fighting against with all other troubles. Think positive. That is what I need to do and will do

What was I talking about a bit ago? Oh yes the Spring Day. It is a beautiful day here today. The sun shines, there is hardly a cloud in the sky. I can smell the Spring smells from the fields and countryside near us. We are fortunate here as just over the fence at the back of the garden is open countryside: you can hear the skylarks, smell the blossom from the trees. It feels good. I can also hear people cutting their lawns and catch the aroma of newly cut grass. I don't know about you but there are certain noises and smells that always evoke Spring & Summer - for me the noise of lawn mowers and the smell of freshly cut grass are a couple of those triggers. They get rid of the grey drab winter days. They encourage the positive thoughts, make you want to go outside and enjoy the feelings. I want to pick my camera up and walk over the fields and record it - only one trouble I cannot walk very well.

So we come back full circle. I want the Chemo session to get rid of this cancer so I can experience the changing seasons, get out and record the change and keep some of those changes if I can capture the images in a worthwhile way. So I say to myself now, my blood is strong and I will have the second chemo session and it will kill more of the cancer and I will get out there.

Yes I am posting this blog and ...... I'll be back

I have not posted much in the last few days so I thought it was time I came back to add more.

It is now 12 days or so since I had my first chemo session. To be honest with you I was petrified when I went into the chemo suite at the hospital for that first time. I had heard all sorts of horror stories: how bad it was to take it in the first place, how bad and nasty you felt, how bad the side effects were etc.

I have already mentioned the actual session in a previous blog. No, it was not as bad as I had been lead to believe. Any fear was minimised by the calm and caring staff.

The after effects and side effects have now been with me for the 12 day period. The worst has been the absolute exhaustion and fatigue. I have been so tired that on many occasions I fallen asleep in mid email - yes nodding off while actually writing a message! Can you believe it? As for late nights they are a thing of the past - I cannot keep awake after 8.00pm - it is agood job I can record my favourite TV programs as otherwise I would miss them. I find my self waking up after sleeping for 45 minutes or so - not going to sleep, waking up. I have no recollection of going to sleep just coming to again.

I cannot describe how tired I feel. The exhaustion is with you all the time. I go into a deep deep sleep but my mind is till active all the time. What does that mean? Well I was fast asleep the other night and I was dreaming I was reading the paper - I woke up. I was sitting up in bed, turning the pages of the newspaper which was not there - weird. The same sometimes happens with talking. I am fast asleep in the lounge and I was convinced some one was calling me. This time I replied by saying "I am here" - I woke up and Sarah was laughing her head off. She had never heard me talk so clearly in my sleep before in spite of the practice I had had as a Lawyer.

I am relieved to be able to say that I have not had any nasty side effects or after effects at all. The anti side effects drugs worked as they were supposed to.

I have also felt better - in relative terms perhaps but better. While I can say that I am not looking forward to the next Chemo session my fear of it has virtually gone. This is what is going to get me through this thing. So give me a great big cheer for the next chemo session on the 8 May

I'll be back

I have been amazed at the support and help I have received from friends and family but have so far not mentioned the Doctors and Nurses and Carers who are also part of the journey.

So far I have seen 6 Specialists. There were two Ear Nose & Throat specialists who were in charge of the the thyroplasty operation. There was also the Ward nurses looking after me both before and after the operation. The amount of staff in the operation theatre were too numerous to count. All had a function and all performed that function with what appeared to me quiet professionalism. They all seemed to know precisely what to do and when - after I time I was given an anaesthetic so lost track from there! The anaesthetist had his own assistants as well. The nursing care in the Ward was also of the highest calibre.

I also saw a Heart Consultant (3rd Specialist) at the beginning of the road: he had his team. I have also seen a Voice Therapist to get my voice to as close to what it was before all this started.

The teams dealing directly with the cancer side of the treatment and the cancer diagnosis make up the rest of the medical teams. Three Specialists. Nurses. Carers. Macmillan Nurse. Chemotherapy Nurses and General Support Staff. All have helped me. All have explained things clearly including some things a hundred and one different times: you tend to get so much information that it goes in one ear and out the other. They have shown limitless amounts of patience and compassion. I guess again it reinforces the goodness of human nature.

I am not going to be cynical here and say it is simply their job. It goes further than this. I have been struck by the tangible desire from others to help.

Lance Armstrong's books and the various other books I have read do speculate whether the cancer patients attitude to others is changed by the experience of the illness: from my perspective I will say it does change your perspective: I think a change for the better.

Finally thank you to my GP and the surgery: the GP often gets left out of all this. Sometimes the principal caring is by the hospital and staff but not always. There is also a pharmacist attached to the surgery - I can renew my prescriptions by email. It does feel strange when the pharmacist knows your name. Your Pub Landlord yes - but not your pharmacist

So a BIG THANK YOU from Sarah and I to all the medical people who are involved in all this at the moment and who remain to get involved.

I'll be back

You will have seen at the top of my site some photographs of Sarah's and my parrots. We have three: two African Greys and one Black Headed Caique - he is called Jasper. For want of a better name!! Jasper Carrot?! comedian and he is just that.

Any way this post is not really about Jasper but about the frienship and support that being part of something can bring you.

I have been fascinated by feathered birds all my life and a very close friend of mine breeds them.

We decided to see if we could hand rear a bird from the egg. My friend had just had a clutch of Caique eggs laid and only one survived. I said I would take him on when he was old enough and my friend would do the hard part the hand rearing.

At the same time Sarah joined us to a Caique website. This site is a forum for sharing info and giving assistance to Caique and other parrot owners. We got to know a lot of people on the site and eventually we wrote a story about Jasper growing up from hatching onwards and posted regularly on the site. We attached photographs and made a light hearted thing to entertain as well as, we hoped, show that it could be done. It was quite succesful and I am told provided much entertainment. Nearly as much as the little dude gives us!

Sarah and I became firm friends with all on the Caique site. When I developed cancer I found it difficult to spare the time to go onto the site. When I wasn't having tests I was sleeping!! - or thats what it seemed. I was told I was missed. The Caique site members wanted to know where we were what we doing and how we were. When I told them, they were shocked. I then started to get supportive messages and culminating in receiving a message of support, encouragement and friendship from the site members.

See the link for some of these messages of support  

http://www.baywood-pets.co.uk/guestbook/get-well-david/index.php

It was clear that, apart from the direct support I have received from family and friends I have met, there are friends (who I have never met face to face) who are supporting me and helping me. This is a joy to me and fills me with emotion whenever I think of it. The fact that people will go the extra mile to help someone they have not met is wonderful - it restores your faith in human nature. The help from friends and family you see on a regular or irregular basis is no less touching but is easier to explain. From those you have not met is awesome. So thank you guys for your help support and strength - it will make me fight harder to lick this thing.

To everyone else out there think of this - the power of your support to help others is without limit. Practice it as many times as you can and never let it go.

The link to the Caique site if you want to look is

http://www.caique-crazy-capers.co.uk/

I'll be back!

I had my first Chemo session yesterday. I have to study the correct spelling of chemotherapy - I thought it was spelt like that, but I think I may be wrong and it is spelt chaemotherapy.

We arrived at the hospital at the appointment time of 9.30am to see the Specialist who briefed me on what to expect. I was introduced to the support nurses and the staff generally - all very friendly.

I was told that I would be having a broad spectrum treatment because so far the medics have been unable to determine the primary source of my cancer. I was sent off for blood tests - all came back clear - and was then told to come back at about 11.30am to have the chemo session. I had a very helpful discussion with the a nurse.

We went off for a coffee and arrived back in the department in time for the appointment. We had to wait our turn and went through at about 12.15pm. We went through into the department and found a chair which looked like a giant electronic recliner. After going through all the identification checks I was given a saline drip and drugs for anti-sickness and one to stop/reduce any allergic reactions to the drugs. They told me about 2 hours in total.

We started and a volunteer arrived seeing whether I wanted any sandwiches for lunch so I chose cheese sandwiches an orange drink and a pot of chocolate mousse! Sarah and I shared this. The nurses were satisfied that everything was going correctly and apart from checking up from time to time I was not pestered at all. I was reassured that the nurses were there and visible if you needed any help. Indeed before being given the chemo drugs, the drugs had been checked by a total of 8 people! This was to make sure that I was getting the correct ones. The identification checks and controls are very rigid. There is no chance of the wrong medication being dispensed.

When it came to starting on the second chemical all the identification checks etc were repeated and we started on the second. The rate of flow of the second chemical was considerably quicker than the first one. I felt a cold sensation around the needle in my hand and a bit dizzy, so the nurses reduced the rate of flow down quite considerably. What should have taken half an hour took just over an hour and a half. This was finished, I was given more anti-sickness drugs and immune system boosting drugs and allowed to go home.

We got home about 5pm - a long day. Side effects today are mainly tiredness, a bit of forgetfulness and a sicky feeling, otherwise not too bad. Certainly not as bad as I had been anticipating! I was very apprehensive before hand. I'm hoping that this is the worst it gets!

I am back to the hospital today for an injection and also to have my staples removed from my neck - see the blog about my operation.

The next chemo session is around about 8th May.

I'll be back!

Having checked in to the hospital, there was only a short wait before doctors and nurses a plenty were buzzing round David's bed. They asked lots of questions, prodded and poked before it was time for me to leave.

After a grim wait, I finally got to the ward at a little before 2pm so that I could find out how David was. Those final minutes before 2pm seemed to tick away so slowly! As it happened when 2pm finally rolled around, David still wasn't back from theatre. It wasn't long however before he was wheeled back in, a little bleary eyed but smiling and waving. I wanted to ask 1001 questions, worse still, David wanted to answer them - he forgot himself a couple of times and actually did utter odd things. I had thought about this already though and although I did ask plenty of questions, I had taken a pencil and pad so he could converse.

The operation was successful, although they had to do a general anaesthetic at the last moment. There's 2 long days ahead or David. He is not supposed to speak and he has a long, long list of after care instructions including special food, steam treatments for his voice and other things. If I get my way, I'll spoil him rotten with all his favourites! It seems only right to do this after he's had such a terrible couple of weeks - a small thing in the grand scheme of things.

What David did say, or rather scribble down was that he was feeling better than he had done for weeks. His voice was considerably stronger - he'd been asked to say a couple of things back in recovery! His hearing was also better, having had recent difficulties. The pain had subsided, this though I think, is a result of the increased morphine dose.

Visiting time quickly came to an end, so I dashed off for a spot of dinner and a spot of calling people/texting others with updates. The 2 hour window went by quickly and I was able to dash back to see him. I got there to see a different man from that which I'd left at 10am in the morning. David was very bright, had a brighter complexion and generally looked well. He'd eaten plenty and devoured the creme caramel that I'd brought along for him as a little treat. He was very envious when the gentleman in the neighbouring bed had a second dinner so I managed to get something extra from the nurses for David too. This was polished off in no time. He was sat on the side of his bed happily "chatting" away with his pad and giving instructions on things for me to do for him. His dressing came loose through the evening revealing a wound of approximately 2 inches. It was neat but I joked he looked a little like Frankenstein! I got a playful swipe around the head for that

This morning I got a text from David to say that his sleep was deep but a little disturbed. The pain wasn't too bad - finally I think the Morphine does is correct - his wound had been draining okay and hopefully he would be discharged around lunchtime.

I'm counting down the minutes.............

I have seen my specialist again and, apparently, there is some difficulty in the results of the tests in determining where the primary cancer is. This is not particularly good news as, I am told, it means the Doctors cannot be too specific in the chemotherapy treatment chemicals. I will be prescribed broad spectrum chemicals. My chemotherapy starts next week - Friday 18 April. I will be glad when it starts because we need now to be bashing the living daylights out of the cancer. The chemicals being used are Docetaxel and Carboplatin.

I am anxious to get it started now as it does seem a long time since the original diagnosis was dropped on me. Bring it on and lets attack the cancer!!

Tomorrow 11 April I go into the hospital to have the voice box operation to improve my voice. I have mentioned to you that whatever is in the lung has trapped one of the nerves to my voice box causing my voice to go very quiet, breathy and at times uncomfortable. The operation - thyroplasty I believe - will hopefully make it easier to talk. The working side of the voice box is working too hard at the moment so packing is put in the voice box to allow the good side to work less hard. It therefore improves the voice as a consequence. I am no Doctor and this explanation may be far too simplistic to satisfy the Doctors reading this - if there are any reading it!

I come home on Saturday and I hope my voice will be a lot better. I am not allowed to talk for 2 days so will not find out immediately. Silenced for 2 days - some might say that is good!!

It has been a hectic week as always. Spent much of the week trying to get the level and strength of my medication correct. The Macmillan nurse has been tremendous help here - liaising with GPs and sorting out dosage. They are wonderful.

I need to say thank you to Frances Songhurst. She is a therapist. She has helped me in the past and has and is helping me now. The power of the mind needs exploring to be believed. She pulls out the postive thoughts and strengths to attack the cancer.

See you next week.

I'll be back

Not many people have asked how I feel mentally now that I know I have cancer. One or two have but not many. I think my reaction now after a bit of reflection is that I have to accept that I have it. If I don't accept that I have it, I can't fight that which I don't have.

My initial reaction was somewhere between absolutely total surprise and anger. Surprise that it is happening to me and anger that I could not stop it invading me. As I do this note I do not know what caused the cancer in the first place; whether I ever will find out remains to be seen.

I have periods of blank despair. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think, I don't know how to react, I don't know how to move. It is as though the despair shuts you down. I guess that it is that despair which I have to get rid of to keep the positive thoughts, actions and drives in the forefront of my conscious and sub-conscious mind.

I do not know whether I am particularly religious. There have been times in my life when I have felt more faith and there have been times when I have had no faith. At the moment, I don't know where I am on this but I have to make a conscious thought and belief as I am going to be beat this thing and get better. Whether this is any different than being religious I do not know; if you have faith in getting better this might be the same thing as a belief in whatever religion you follow. I will no doubt have further thoughts and possibly discussions on this aspect.

I have recently read a book written by Lance Armstrong who is a professional cyclist who had cancer in the 1990s. The book is about his fight to beat the disease. He did beat it. What emerged from the book was his tremendous focus and determination on beating it and getting back on his bike. The highlight of the book was when he describes winning the Tour de France after he'd beaten the cancer. Whether I have the same single minded focus of a professional athlete, I do not know, but I do need to develop the singleness of purpose to overcome the cancer. Sarah thinks I have because I'm a lawyer! I can see many arguments but I won't go into that!

I am also trying to keep my sense of humour. One thing that I find very difficult to deal with is the expression on people's faces when they find out I have cancer. I invariably try and lighten the mood with the sense of humour. That works for me and it works for most other people, although it does seem to me sometimes that I am comforting them, not the other way around!

I am strengthened by the incredible expressions of support I am receiving, both on this site and in other ways. People I haven't seen for years are getting in touch with me. My family and friends are supportive. My wife Sarah is an absolute rock, she is always there for me and is total strength.

The Macmillan Nurse also came to see me for the first time yesterday. I had been referred to them by my friend's wife herself a Cancer Counsellor. Her and her husband have been very supportive. The Macmillan nurse was very helpful. I now have a contact within the Health Service that I can get in touch with for help and advice at any time. Her greatest contribution so far has been to put my medication in order as I was getting a bit confused with dosage.

My family and my many other friends have also been supportive in different ways. Some have offered to cook on a regular basis for us, others have offered to look after our parrots and others have just offered their unconditional help.

I'm off to kick this cancer into touch. I'll be back!