I haven't written anything for a while - mainly because I set this blog up for David, it wasn't meant to be a forum for me to take over, but also because my time has been better served by being there and taking care of David's various needs.
It's been an interesting but also somewhat disturbing and upsetting time over the last few months. If you asked me now what life was like before David was diagnosed with cancer, I'm not sure I could tell you. I know that I perhaps didn't really appreciate what you might call mundane moments in life and that I did a lot of things at warp speed and often didn't stop to really think. Whilst cancer will never be a gift, I can thank it I guess in a small way for making me enjoy some of the simpler things in life like the odd days when David is well enough to have a snack out with me at a cafe or simply just visiting a garden centre together.
You might have thought that as I haven't got cancer, or indeed any form of medical condition that life would be relatively easy, but living with someone who has cancer is anything but easy. By saying this, I do not mean that David is a burden, far from it, but life has changed and I now need to think of so many more things than I ever did before. So what do I have to do differently now? Well, there's a number of things, some simple, others not so.
You will know from David's last post that he used to be an extremely fit and strong person - cancer changes this. The nasty thing about cancer treatment (and I'm talking about chemo) is that whilst it is helping you by getting rid of the enemy, it also eats away at your body. David has lost weight since his battle began and sadly his muscles have also atrophied and he is considerably weaker than he once was. This means that sometimes, depending on how David feels on a day by day basis, that he can sometimes not lift anything much heavier than a cup of coffee without feeling exhausted and drained - imagine how frustrated that must leave him feeling. Normally, he copes very well with this, but sometimes his frustrations boil over and he vents.
One change in David that I do sometimes find really difficult to deal with is the fact that the various medications and of course the exhaustion have made David forgetful at times. As I haven't got the best of memories I have, in the past, relied on David's super memory to help me along in my day to day life, yes it's lazy but that's what you do when you're a team, you work together and rely on each other. I sometimes worry that if my head wasn't attached that I'd perhaps forget it and leave it at home. David's memory has always been phenomenal, remembering dates, times, figures etc from a long way back into the past and remembering things that I have to do. This ability has deserted him for the time being, no doubt to return once he has recovered.
I mentioned briefly exhaustion - whilst I will have difficulty explaining precisely how badly this affects David, from my perspective it is perhaps one of the worst things he has to suffer with on a daily basis. I try to encourage David to take naps as often as he likes but the fighting part of David doesn't always like to give in to what he sometimes perceives as weakness. We often sit and chat, but partway through a conversation he nods off, only to wake up 10 minutes later confused and wondering what's happening. He no longer drives his car as a consequence of this. His recent blood transfusion has helped and also the fact that it's almost 3 weeks since his last chemo sesson, but many things which we all take for granted tire David out.
The old BT advert said "It's good to talk". I agree with this, it is good to talk. However, talking is often something that tires David out the most. That was one of the initial reasons for setting this blog up. What we tend to find happens is that David will receive one telephone call and then another 3 or 4 will follow in rapid succession. Often the same things get said in these telephone conversations and we just end up repeating ourselves. It's great that people call us, but just unfortunate that all the calls come at the same time. Just like buses! Joking over. David's voice has improved dramatically since his operation and thankfully he can now hold a conversation. Some days however, it is still an effort for him, particularly if he needs to raise his voice. If he needs to raise his voice, he gets very breathless and sometimes light headed. Some days his voice is good and strong, others not so much.
Chemo destroys mucosal linings - whilst you might think of mucus as just being something that is troublesome when you have a cold or flu, it's something that is essential in our bodies that is protective. We have noticed that there has been damage to mucosal linings especially in David's digestive tract - he can no longer eat or drink some of the things he loves. Spicy food is uncomfortable for him to eat, as is drinking his beloved wine. Indeed even the least spicy of foods are often too hot for him to handle. However, the good thing is that as the chemo cycles come to a close, he can eat/drink more things. Also the whole taste experience seems to be in global technicolour. Things taste and smell more intense. We have had to make radical changes to our diets.
Another symptom of mucosal lining damage is present when David has company, or when our birds start making a noise and chattering. Talking and general noise seems amplified for David and at certain volumes it becomes unbearable for him after while. We both enjoy seeing people, but sometimes it becomes difficult for David to deal with.
Nausea can be a problem too. Whilst it isn't there all the time, when it is present, it destroys David's appetite. My nurturing instinct is to try and give David all his favourite foods to try and help him get better - sadly when the nausea kicks in, he doesn't want to eat just in case it makes him sick. Sometimes the nausea gets the better of him and he is truely sick - that is very nasty. It upsets both of us, but worse still, it can often put him off eating for even longer. Our GP has prescribed some drinks which are nutritionally complete and these help when David isn't up to eating, but they aren't a substitute for actually eating.
Getting around is also now more of a problem for David. I remember times prior to the nasty "big C" when he used to stride out and I'd be scampering along behind him like a small child running to catch up with their parent. His pace is more sedate now, he is getting more nifty walking around with his stick but walking is an effort which tires him out.
I try not to let things bring me down too much but it does upset me that cancer has robbed David of much of the enjoyment from his life. He liked driving his car, riding his bike, skiing, tending his bonsai, taking photographs, walking our dog whilst she was alive and many other things. Most of these things now are strictly off limits. That is until he has beaten this thing. Believe me, if anyone can beat it, it's David.
I could ramble on and tell you many more things which are more difficult but I won't as I've had you reading this for too long already. May be another day.