I haven't written anything for a while - mainly because I set this blog up for David, it wasn't meant to be a forum for me to take over, but also because my time has been better served by being there and taking care of David's various needs.

It's been an interesting but also somewhat disturbing and upsetting time over the last few months. If you asked me now what life was like before David was diagnosed with cancer, I'm not sure I could tell you. I know that I perhaps didn't really appreciate what you might call mundane moments in life and that I did a lot of things at warp speed and often didn't stop to really think. Whilst cancer will never be a gift, I can thank it I guess in a small way for making me enjoy some of the simpler things in life like the odd days when David is well enough to have a snack out with me at a cafe or simply just visiting a garden centre together.

You might have thought that as I haven't got cancer, or indeed any form of medical condition that life would be relatively easy, but living with someone who has cancer is anything but easy. By saying this, I do not mean that David is a burden, far from it, but life has changed and I now need to think of so many more things than I ever did before. So what do I have to do differently now? Well, there's a number of things, some simple, others not so.

You will know from David's last post that he used to be an extremely fit and strong person - cancer changes this. The nasty thing about cancer treatment (and I'm talking about chemo) is that whilst it is helping you by getting rid of the enemy, it also eats away at your body. David has lost weight since his battle began and sadly his muscles have also atrophied and he is considerably weaker than he once was. This means that sometimes, depending on how David feels on a day by day basis, that he can sometimes not lift anything much heavier than a cup of coffee without feeling exhausted and drained - imagine how frustrated that must leave him feeling. Normally, he copes very well with this, but sometimes his frustrations boil over and he vents.

One change in David that I do sometimes find really difficult to deal with is the fact that the various medications and of course the exhaustion have made David forgetful at times. As I haven't got the best of memories I have, in the past, relied on David's super memory to help me along in my day to day life, yes it's lazy but that's what you do when you're a team, you work together and rely on each other. I sometimes worry that if my head wasn't attached that I'd perhaps forget it and leave it at home. David's memory has always been phenomenal, remembering dates, times, figures etc from a long way back into the past and remembering things that I have to do. This ability has deserted him for the time being, no doubt to return once he has recovered.

I mentioned briefly exhaustion - whilst I will have difficulty explaining precisely how badly this affects David, from my perspective it is perhaps one of the worst things he has to suffer with on a daily basis. I try to encourage David to take naps as often as he likes but the fighting part of David doesn't always like to give in to what he sometimes perceives as weakness. We often sit and chat, but partway through a conversation he nods off, only to wake up 10 minutes later confused and wondering what's happening. He no longer drives his car as a consequence of this. His recent blood transfusion has helped and also the fact that it's almost 3 weeks since his last chemo sesson, but many things which we all take for granted tire David out.

The old BT advert said "It's good to talk". I agree with this, it is good to talk. However, talking is often something that tires David out the most. That was one of the initial reasons for setting this blog up. What we tend to find happens is that David will receive one telephone call and then another 3 or 4 will follow in rapid succession. Often the same things get said in these telephone conversations and we just end up repeating ourselves. It's great that people call us, but just unfortunate that all the calls come at the same time. Just like buses! Joking over. David's voice has improved dramatically since his operation and thankfully he can now hold a conversation. Some days however, it is still an effort for him, particularly if he needs to raise his voice. If he needs to raise his voice, he gets very breathless and sometimes light headed. Some days his voice is good and strong, others not so much.

Chemo destroys mucosal linings - whilst you might think of mucus as just being something that is troublesome when you have a cold or flu, it's something that is essential in our bodies that is protective. We have noticed that there has been damage to mucosal linings especially in David's digestive tract - he can no longer eat or drink some of the things he loves. Spicy food is uncomfortable for him to eat, as is drinking his beloved wine. Indeed even the least spicy of foods are often too hot for him to handle. However, the good thing is that as the chemo cycles come to a close, he can eat/drink more things. Also the whole taste experience seems to be in global technicolour. Things taste and smell more intense. We have had to make radical changes to our diets.

Another symptom of mucosal lining damage is present when David has company, or when our birds start making a noise and chattering. Talking and general noise seems amplified for David and at certain volumes it becomes unbearable for him after while. We both enjoy seeing people, but sometimes it becomes difficult for David to deal with.

Nausea can be a problem too. Whilst it isn't there all the time, when it is present, it destroys David's appetite. My nurturing instinct is to try and give David all his favourite foods to try and help him get better - sadly when the nausea kicks in, he doesn't want to eat just in case it makes him sick. Sometimes the nausea gets the better of him and he is truely sick - that is very nasty. It upsets both of us, but worse still, it can often put him off eating for even longer. Our GP has prescribed some drinks which are nutritionally complete and these help when David isn't up to eating, but they aren't a substitute for actually eating.

Getting around is also now more of a problem for David. I remember times prior to the nasty "big C" when he used to stride out and I'd be scampering along behind him like a small child running to catch up with their parent. His pace is more sedate now, he is getting more nifty walking around with his stick but walking is an effort which tires him out.

I try not to let things bring me down too much but it does upset me that cancer has robbed David of much of the enjoyment from his life. He liked driving his car, riding his bike, skiing, tending his bonsai, taking photographs, walking our dog whilst she was alive and many other things. Most of these things now are strictly off limits. That is until he has beaten this thing. Believe me, if anyone can beat it, it's David.

I could ramble on and tell you many more things which are more difficult but I won't as I've had you reading this for too long already. May be another day.

I had a CT scan yesterday: this took place as I had had the first three sessions of Chemo. It is to see what progress has taken place and whether the chemo has done what it was designed to do i.e. rip out the cancer violently. It has certainly had a damned good go - judging by what it had done to the good parts of my body. It is also designed to see whether the right chemo chemicals have been used as the primary source was not discovered. I assume this means that if insufficient progress is made then different chemicals can be used.

It has been a gruelling First Session.

I am still being told by the Doctors to selfishly get rid of anything that distracts me from concentrating on beating the disease. All outside interference preventing this one objective should be put aside. This can be very difficult as life does go on. I have by and large tried to do this. Whether it has worked remains to be seen. I have worked on various positive thinking and visualisation techniques both by myself and with the assistance of a qualified therapist. It is a technique that is amazing in what it can do: there will be many sceptics out there but no matter if I think visualisation works for me then I will carry on with it.

Last weekend someone came to visit me who I had not seen for many years - I can't remember whether I have told you. He used to own the gym where I used to train and body build - starting in the 1980's. He used to plan my training routines and generally supervise my training. On occasions he used to take me round the gym on the routine; it was exhausting when he did this. I would start to flag and he would start to cajole me and push me and generally have a go: put the weight up, one more rep on this exercise, one more set here, don't forget this weight, you have forgotten this and so on. By that time I was, I thought, at the end of my strength and could not lift another thing. I was wrong. He would say in the middle of all this, "See yourself lift that weight" " See yourself do another set". I was convinced I could not. But I started to be able to see myself in my mind doing what he was telling me to see. The visualisation would get so vivid - I would actually then be able to do physically what he was telling me in spite of how I felt ! I convinced myself that I could do it and I could! This would happen over and over again - it was amazing. It was the mind taking over.

We spoke about this when he came to see me. I told him I was still using the techniques. He was pleased. This visualisation is the core of the counselling and help I get from Frances who comes to see me. Again the experiences are quite amazing. I visualise the cancer to fight it. I visualise the entire body healing process. I visualise me being healthy and strong again. It is a powerful experience and it is also a tremendous mental boost to have these impressions.

I will be carying out these visualisation sessions many times between now and Thursday - results day. All I can hope is that all the weapons I have had at my disposal - there have been others - have been useful.

The transfusion has given me more energy: again I can only say thank you to the unknown donor whose blood I used. Hey I have gone on long enough today so will finish now but....

..I'll be back

I have had a blood transfusion.

Yes this happened Monday of this week: it was probably likely to happen as my HB levels were down on what they should have been. I did not want the transfusion; i went to the hospital on Friday because I had a skin rash - I was told and have been given it in writing that as I was having chemo I was to contact the chemo unit if I had the slightest thing wrong with me. So if I had a little temperature I was to contact the unit. They would check it out and if necessary give me blood tests to make sure all ok. Chemo can and does destroy good cells as well as bad. So any way I had this rash, they gave me blood test, there was a lot of stroking of chins by the staff while they looked at the results and they decided it was a blood transfusion for me. Apparently more people have blood transfusions than we all know.

I arrived at the Hospital in good time for my appointment - as always my rock Sarah took me in - she could not stay as she had to go to work. I went in and after the usual security preliminaries I was connnected up and given two units. One unit is one donation from one donor and is anything between 250 ml and 300 ml. It is trickled into you very slowly, presumably to ensure there is no rejection problem. It took 4 hours.

When the blood was all in they disconnected me and I was allowed home. While I was at the hospital I mentioned that I had had stomach problems. Would you believe they decided to take some blood for testing while I was having the transfusion. So there I was with blood trickling in to me through my right arm and they were taking it out as fast as they could out the left arm! They did n't need much which was good because, strangely enough, it hurt on that occasion.

Since then the stomach problem has got better - I hope - the GP gave me the appropriate medication. But I have had two sleepless nights: the one because of the stomach and the other because of the pain in my bones. I don't know why the pain should all of a sudden come back unless the effect of the stomach problem was to "dilute" the efficiency of the MST tablets.

Any way thats about all I can tell you for now except to get you to wish me luck - I am having a CT Scan Thursday this week to see how the chemo has worked etc. I have mixed feelings and emotions on this one. I hope I have been positive enough to ward it off - if I have n't what then? If the oncolgist says that the chemo is not working what else is there to beat the cancer and get rid of it? So I am looking forward to it but have some reservations.

I'll be back

Wednesdays blood tests results were ready when I saw the oncologist Thursday: He said there was a slight improvement in the HB levels and I was able to go ahead with the chemo session. That was good news to say the least: I was dreading getting there and being told we could not do the session - the chemo is a lifeline!

I was warned that if the HB levels were bad they might have kept me in hospital to give the transfusion there and then. What was worse was that it can take hours and hours to do the transfusion - I don't know why - I might have been there overnight with the chemo being delayed whilst they checked the bloods again. All in all, a consequence I did not want. Anyway, it did not happen and the session went quite well.

The next thing on the agenda is a CT scan and more blood tests in about 3 weeks time. These will give me further information as to whether the cancer is beating a hasty retreat and also plan the next treatment cycle from there. The oncologist takes into account such things as blood tests, CT scans and my body's reaction to chemo sessions in deciding the next round of treatment. He thought from my reactions that there was nothing in there to prevent more chemo. Other things need to be investigated.

Sarah and I are going to see if we can have a few days away from home somewhere local to have a change of scenery and a bit of a break. We need ideally to try and find somewhere that enables me to crash out if needs be but also gives Sarah chance to occupy herself with things she might want to do. We both need to look at something different than our four walls! The planning is a bit more complex than normal as we have our 3 birdies to consider! Murphy is still wary of me - he is the eldest African Grey. Lily the youngest Grey seems to be discovering me and Jasper the Black Headed Caique is no different - just noisy!

Isn't the weather miserable? I took my camera out one afternoon last week and really enjoyed myself (but over did it). I want to get out again with the camera in some decent weather when it is not windy, raining and cold. It's strange but the cancer makes me feel the cold so much more than I ever have done!

Anyway, thank you all for your comments and support.

I'll be back!

Time flies - I am coming up to my third chemo session this thursday. I have the blood tests later on today, I see the oncologist first thing thursday and if he is happy with the bloods, chemo will follow later in the morning. After this chemo session I have a break and more tests to see how the chemo has worked. Assuming it has worked it might then be I have more chemo - or we change treatment. We shall see.

It does seem a long time that my wife and I decided to create this site - I had reservations but my wife thought it would be a good thing to share the experience if we can call it that. I have to say that I agree with her totally. Sometimes it has not been easy opening your soul in this way but I do somehow feel comforted in the sharing of all the experiences - good and bad. It has also taught me that people do care even if they feel embarassed to show it face to face: people do care if they take the time to read the stuff I write and, even more surprising, comment on it!! People are mainly good rather than anything else

I do not look forward to having the chemo - the side effects can be difficult - but I do look forward to seeing the results of the treatment. I have felt better since chemo number 2 but in the last few days I have been in some pain - that I hasten to add has been my own fault. I always do too much and also I tried to get a photograph from a difficult angle which twisted my back. Were it not for those things I would have felt marvellous - I was getting more mobility, sleeping better, better outlook and generally feeling good. It was my own fault so now I know I must pace myself very strictly and the moment I start to feel tired etc I shoud stop say "Enough" and then rest for a while.

I had a very enjoyable day yesterday: I met up with a friend who I had not seen since University days - I was reminded that was 37 years ago. It was a long time. He got his degree at the same time as me. From there our lives were very different - he was in industry and travelled the world and I was in private practice not getting much further than the office!! However we did both enjoy our professional working lives. We both enjoyed the reunion and my one regret is that it will be difficult to maintain regular contact - he lives on mainland Europe. It was a great day and a pleasure to renew the friendship.

I seem to be rambling in this blog - so will finish now. Let you all know about the chemo.

I'll be back

Morning to you all out there. I have not been out and posted anything on the site for some time. I am putting this right now.

I told you about a week ago now that I had had the second chemo session. I have had more side effects this time. The sickness has been worse. The main problem has been the total, absolute, up to infinite and beyond, tiredness. I was tired after the first session but that was peanuts compared to what it has been like this time. I have fallen asleep everywhere and wherever. I have even fallen asleep while having a converstaion on the phone - the caller was not that boring! (and I don't think knew that I had). The callers voice woke me up!! - bizarre. I'll try not to drop to sleep now - if there is a long gap you will know what has happened so please don't be offended!! - whether you shout to wake me up I will leave to you.

Having said that I have felt loads better since the weekend. The pain is alot better. Dare I wonder and speculate that the chemo is working - I am sure it is. I intend to make sure that it does.

The next session is next week - thursday. I imagine that I will be more tired after that session than after the the second one. Oh well we can live with it.

Went out yesterday with my camera. Our neighbour is a keen photgrapher and he took his. We went to the local park and found a Nature Hide which consisted of one wall of planks of wood with observation holes overlooking a lake. We saw very little!! There was some large fish jumping which were impossible to photo unless you happened to be looking at the right place at the right time which we were'nt! so no pictures to bring home. It was a great time for me: it was the first time I have been out with my camera since I was given the diagnosis. I managed it and enjoyed it but I was tired out when I got home.

I like to think that the trip was a breakthough. It was a failure in terms of results but no matter. I shall do it again, whether before or after the next chemo session remains to be seen. Sarah was pleased. It was good of my neighbour to take me as I am not the quickest walker at the moment.

(Large Gap here - nodded off for 10 minutes or so)

I intend to keep going with things like this - your support is always in my mind and it always helps no end and I can feel another Gap coming on so I better sign off for the moment and get back to you all again shortly.

I'll be back

My God thats an original title! Anyway a short one tonight. My blood tests were good enough for me to have the second session. The haemoglobin was down to 9. something - it should be 12. something. So yes it is down : the Oncologist did warn me if that it dropped more he might have to do the transfusion. Any way he didn't today so I had the session.

There were some admin problems which we got over. I managed to take the chemical quicker this time than last so was done in 2 hours. That was good.

I have come home to see the messages of support from you guys - thanks to all of you. It is great to read them. They gave me strength. Yes we will fight this thing and we will get rid of it.

Will finish now as shattered so ..........I'll be back

Writing this on the 7 May having just got back from Hospital. I had to do a blood test for the chemo session tomorrow. This is the second session of Chemo. The blood test is needed to make sure that, in layman's terms, my blood (and I) are both strong enough to withstand another chemo onslaught. I will not know the answer to that until I see the Oncologist before the session as he will get the results.

How do I feel? Reassured by the messages of support here on the site and from elsewhere. Worried that my blood has not recovered enough from the first session so preventing having the second - I want to continue with the planned sessions to beat this thing. My own strength needs topping up with the additional Chemo ammunition. I have been warned that certain people do need blood transfusions in the Chemo cycle if the blood does not recover enough - it normally means a delay of a period of time. I do not want to be one of those people - I want to keep fighting it without pause. To know that the session is going ahead is a tremendous boost and lets more positive thoughts in. I am keeping everything crossed for good blood results.

I have not been sleeping well over the last few days: the back pain over the shoulder blades makes it hard to get comfortable. Lying in the wrong position makes it worse and wakes you up. Not having a good nights sleep is the pits. Everyone will agree I think that when you are tired, it is harder to deal with things. Get a good nights sleep and you can move mountains! Mind you today I am alot more comfortable so let us hope I crash out tonight: I could siesta this afternoon but I do not want to miss the lovely spring day.

I have also now retired - at the end of April - and so the question of income rears its head. I had to retire due to my ill health so this was inevitable. I am looking into Social Security assistance and the like but it is a bit of a worry. My pension does not kick in until I am 65 - a few years away yet!!

Shoot - I am depressing myself with this blog and I might even delete it yet but being down is something that does occur - it needs fighting against with all other troubles. Think positive. That is what I need to do and will do

What was I talking about a bit ago? Oh yes the Spring Day. It is a beautiful day here today. The sun shines, there is hardly a cloud in the sky. I can smell the Spring smells from the fields and countryside near us. We are fortunate here as just over the fence at the back of the garden is open countryside: you can hear the skylarks, smell the blossom from the trees. It feels good. I can also hear people cutting their lawns and catch the aroma of newly cut grass. I don't know about you but there are certain noises and smells that always evoke Spring & Summer - for me the noise of lawn mowers and the smell of freshly cut grass are a couple of those triggers. They get rid of the grey drab winter days. They encourage the positive thoughts, make you want to go outside and enjoy the feelings. I want to pick my camera up and walk over the fields and record it - only one trouble I cannot walk very well.

So we come back full circle. I want the Chemo session to get rid of this cancer so I can experience the changing seasons, get out and record the change and keep some of those changes if I can capture the images in a worthwhile way. So I say to myself now, my blood is strong and I will have the second chemo session and it will kill more of the cancer and I will get out there.

Yes I am posting this blog and ...... I'll be back

I have not posted much in the last few days so I thought it was time I came back to add more.

It is now 12 days or so since I had my first chemo session. To be honest with you I was petrified when I went into the chemo suite at the hospital for that first time. I had heard all sorts of horror stories: how bad it was to take it in the first place, how bad and nasty you felt, how bad the side effects were etc.

I have already mentioned the actual session in a previous blog. No, it was not as bad as I had been lead to believe. Any fear was minimised by the calm and caring staff.

The after effects and side effects have now been with me for the 12 day period. The worst has been the absolute exhaustion and fatigue. I have been so tired that on many occasions I fallen asleep in mid email - yes nodding off while actually writing a message! Can you believe it? As for late nights they are a thing of the past - I cannot keep awake after 8.00pm - it is agood job I can record my favourite TV programs as otherwise I would miss them. I find my self waking up after sleeping for 45 minutes or so - not going to sleep, waking up. I have no recollection of going to sleep just coming to again.

I cannot describe how tired I feel. The exhaustion is with you all the time. I go into a deep deep sleep but my mind is till active all the time. What does that mean? Well I was fast asleep the other night and I was dreaming I was reading the paper - I woke up. I was sitting up in bed, turning the pages of the newspaper which was not there - weird. The same sometimes happens with talking. I am fast asleep in the lounge and I was convinced some one was calling me. This time I replied by saying "I am here" - I woke up and Sarah was laughing her head off. She had never heard me talk so clearly in my sleep before in spite of the practice I had had as a Lawyer.

I am relieved to be able to say that I have not had any nasty side effects or after effects at all. The anti side effects drugs worked as they were supposed to.

I have also felt better - in relative terms perhaps but better. While I can say that I am not looking forward to the next Chemo session my fear of it has virtually gone. This is what is going to get me through this thing. So give me a great big cheer for the next chemo session on the 8 May

I'll be back

I have been amazed at the support and help I have received from friends and family but have so far not mentioned the Doctors and Nurses and Carers who are also part of the journey.

So far I have seen 6 Specialists. There were two Ear Nose & Throat specialists who were in charge of the the thyroplasty operation. There was also the Ward nurses looking after me both before and after the operation. The amount of staff in the operation theatre were too numerous to count. All had a function and all performed that function with what appeared to me quiet professionalism. They all seemed to know precisely what to do and when - after I time I was given an anaesthetic so lost track from there! The anaesthetist had his own assistants as well. The nursing care in the Ward was also of the highest calibre.

I also saw a Heart Consultant (3rd Specialist) at the beginning of the road: he had his team. I have also seen a Voice Therapist to get my voice to as close to what it was before all this started.

The teams dealing directly with the cancer side of the treatment and the cancer diagnosis make up the rest of the medical teams. Three Specialists. Nurses. Carers. Macmillan Nurse. Chemotherapy Nurses and General Support Staff. All have helped me. All have explained things clearly including some things a hundred and one different times: you tend to get so much information that it goes in one ear and out the other. They have shown limitless amounts of patience and compassion. I guess again it reinforces the goodness of human nature.

I am not going to be cynical here and say it is simply their job. It goes further than this. I have been struck by the tangible desire from others to help.

Lance Armstrong's books and the various other books I have read do speculate whether the cancer patients attitude to others is changed by the experience of the illness: from my perspective I will say it does change your perspective: I think a change for the better.

Finally thank you to my GP and the surgery: the GP often gets left out of all this. Sometimes the principal caring is by the hospital and staff but not always. There is also a pharmacist attached to the surgery - I can renew my prescriptions by email. It does feel strange when the pharmacist knows your name. Your Pub Landlord yes - but not your pharmacist

So a BIG THANK YOU from Sarah and I to all the medical people who are involved in all this at the moment and who remain to get involved.

I'll be back